Fox in the Snow
by plumbloom
Summary: After Neil's death, Todd is unable to go on with his life and Charlie is readmitted to Welton. ABANDONED. Sorry all, but I started writing this in high school, and have no interest in continuing it.
1. Grief

_Dear Sarah,_

_It is two weeks to the day Neil had taken his life, making the day December the twelfth._

_At the desperate request of his parents, Charles Dalton has been re-enrolled into Welton Academy. He will be subject to strict probation, and will probably be required to receive psychiatric help._

_Mr. Dalton is to take Mr. Perry's room, the administration having decided that his former roommate and he should not be allowed to associate._

_I have received word that John has taken a job at the more liberal Devon School For Boys. The old Dead Poets Society cave is to be destroyed as soon as such arrangements can be made._

_The weather has been fine here, more snow. I will be coming home over the break and look forward to seeing the children._

_I remain, your loving husband,_

_Tom McAllistar_

There was a loud knock of the door of Todd Anderson's room. He lay on Neil's bed motionless, still clad in his sweaty gym clothes, and stared at the wall where he had dented it shallowly with his fist. "Come in," he rasped hoarsely.

The door opened and the loud clump of boots on the wood resounded throughout the tiny room.

"I don't feel like talking now, Knox," Todd said softly. "I'll go to the movies with you and Chris some other time."

"Hey, Todd," came the quiet reply. The same voice that had delivered the news of Neil's death.

Todd shifted about, and there he was, standing red-faced and bleary-eyed in the center of the room. Knox stood uncomfortably behind him, dressed in his Sunday finery.

"Charlie?"

"Hey," Charlie said.

Todd got up, dazed, confused, embarrassed in his gym things. "Charlie," he repeated.

"Mr. Nolan's giving him a second chance," Knox explained as he leaned on the desk. Behind him, Meeks and Pittsy stuck their heads in the door.

"Oh," said Todd. But he felt nearly nothing, only a stirring of emptiness.

"So, you don't want to go, then?" Knox addressed Todd.

"Oh, no," Todd shook his head vigorously as Charlie set his suitcase down and wriggled out of his coat.

"OK," Knox motioned to Pitts. "Get ready, Pittsy, you're coming with me."

"All right!" Pitts crowed as the three exited the room. Meeks tactfully shut the door after them.

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence. Charlie hung his coat in the closet.

"You sleep in Neil's bed," he observed.

"Yeah." Todd tried to conceal his shock at the fact that Charlie had actually said Neil's name.

"So I can have the other?"

"Yeah."

The dark-haired boy thumped his suitcase on the thin mattress. "So, the Perry's got all his stuff, or what?"

"Yeah."

Charlie studied Todd. "You planning on talking to me, or just setting the record on 'Yeah'?"

Despite himself, Todd smiled. "Sorry, I just - "

"I know, I've been out of it too." He pulled out a few shirts and started folding them. "So you really let that bastard have Neil's stuff?"

Again. Todd winced. "Well, not all of it."

Charlie grinned wide. "Good man. What didja manage to pinch?"

"Just some of his shirts. His poetry notebook. _Five Centuries of Verse_. His script from _Midsummer Night_. The God of the Cave. Some photos and stuff."

"Jesus, Todd, sounds like you got most of it."

"Yeah."

"What did you do, build a shrine?"

Reluctantly, Todd got up and reached under his bed for his suitcases. Inside one, he'd arranged all of Neil's things neatly. As if the boy would come back looking for them. Charlie fingered a sweatshirt thoughtfully.

"You miss him a lot?"

Todd slammed the suitcase to conceal that he was trembling. "Course I miss him. He's – he was – my best friend."

"Mine too." Charlie flopped on his own bed and lit a cigarette. "Ever since kindergarten. I knew he was depressed, I just – I never thought he'd – you know."

"How can you be so calm about it?" Now he was shaking obviously.

Charlie shot him a look. "Listen, Todd. It's been two weeks. I'm trying to get on with my goddamn life. I'm not a damn pilot fish."

Todd wrapped his arms around his knees to steady himself. "Is that what you think I am?"

"Look. You were terrified of your own shadow. Neil practically parented you. I know how you feel; betrayed. You depended on him…"

"I loved him," Todd shot back. "I saw the light in his eyes, heard him cry at night about his stupid father. He – he helped me write, helped me make friends. We were _best friends_." He stressed the word again, making it into a sob.

Charlie fell silent. "I know. I've just known him for longer, I guess. I guess I saw it coming. Someone had to give, Neil or his dad."

"Yeah, well, why did it have to be Neil?" Todd wiped his nose with his sleeve, snatching a tissue from the desk. Instead of using it, though, he shredded it into tiny pills of white and twisted them in limp fingers.

"I dunno, Todd." Charlie edged over to him, sat on the bed. Todd immediately crawled over to him and tucked his head into Charlie's shoulder.

"I can't sleep. I close my eyes and there he is. Sitting at the desk, studying, reading in the cave, stealing my stuff and racing around the room." Todd choked on his words and fell to crying. "I upchuck everything I eat…"

"Hey, hey," Charlie said, hugging him reassuringly. "I know, I know, I know, hey, hey."

He cried for a few minutes longer, then stopped, worn out. "I'm glad you're here, Nwanda."

"Just call me Charlie, eh, Todd? I'm glad I'm here too."

***

Later, when all of Charlie's stuff was put away and Knox and Pitts had left for the theater in town, Todd and Charlie met Meeks in the recreation room. He was huddled in the corner near the radiator, looking over Latin notes and trying to keep his hands warm.

"Hey, guys," he said as they approached. "Take a seat."

They sat. The room was nearly empty, but immediately someone recognized Charlie and came over.

"Dalton, that really you?" It was Arnold Christie.

"It isn't God."

"Must have been an act of God to get you back here, though." Christie eased himself into a chair, thick hands on his knees. "How many months probation you on?"

"Rest of the year."

Christie whistled.

"Plus community service."

"Ouch."

"And a public apology."

There were winces all around.

"_And _all my free time is to be spent making Welton look young again." Charlie looked unusually cheerful. "Cleaning, painting, kitchen duty, the works. They'd make me re-roof the buildings if I had a license."

"Old Nolan's really working you over, huh," Christie commented.

"Eh, it's not so bad." Charlie shrugged. "I mean, it could be a lot worse. I'm just happy they let me back in."

"Why'd you have to go and slug Cameron anyhow, Dalton? I mean, I know he's a creep. Everyone knows that. But hey, it wasn't as if the Board was just going to let Keating pass by. He _was _a big player in the whole thing, and everyone knew it. Even if he wasn't responsible for Neil killing himself and all."

Todd made an odd strangling noise in his throat and Meeks glared at Christie, whose big oafish face immediately turned scarlet.

"Right. See you later, Dalton. I'll tell Specs you're back."

"So," continued Meeks after Christie had gone. Todd had lapsed into a grim silence. "They still making you take exams, Charlie?"

"Sure. After all, I only missed the review." Charlie grinned crookedly. "By the way…who's the new poetry teacher?"

"Some prune from the Board. He's big on Pritchard and the Realists, so you'd better bone up. We're getting a permanent teacher after break." Meeks blew on his chapped hands.

Todd thought of mentioning Mr. Keating's departure and the detention they'd all received for it, but it seemed like a long time ago, so he said nothing.

"One hour until lights-out, boys," growled Dr. Haeber from the hall.

Charlie yawned and stretched. "I'm beat. You guys wanna hit the sack?"

Meeks checked the wall clock. "I guess. This studying isn't going to help much."

"Exams don't start till Monday anyway."

"Yeah, well…"

"I should be the one worrying. I have an apology to write. Gotta deliver it at services Sunday morning."

Meeks looked at him over his grasshopper spectacles. "Better get cracking, then."

"Yeah." Charlie got up. "You coming, Todd?"

Todd nodded. "Goodnight, Meeks," he called softly as they went out.

"Night," the red-haired boy replied, yawning.

Back in their room, Todd changed half-heartedly into his pajamas.

"Phew," Charlie commented. "Where'd you take a bath, in the cabbage soup?"

"I haven't for five days." Todd pulled his robe on and knotted it tight.

Charlie looked over at him, tying his own robe. "Another…"

"Yeah." Todd hugged himself unconsciously. "Can't make myself do that either."

Charlie looked at his watch. "Well, we have almost an hour and I don't smell exactly like a rosebud after that ten-hour train ride. You want to jog down and give it a shot?"

"I guess." The truth was, Todd was unable to say no to Charlie. He had been able to say no to Neil, and had told him off on several occasions. But Charlie seemed genuinely determined to help. He understood what Todd was going through.

They tiptoed downstairs, not bothering to obtain permission from Haeber, and made their way to the locker rooms. Once they arrived Charlie risked a light and padded barefoot into a stall, which had been mopped dry. The weird shadows cast by the single light slipped over the green tiles and spilled onto the walls. Todd shivered. He'd never particularly liked to shower, but after Neil's death he had found it almost impossible. Just being in the locker room made him want to puke.

"Come on, Todd," Charlie encouraged. He'd stripped down to a pair of shorts and fetched several towels from a closet, and was shivering in the cold air.

Slowly Todd undressed while Charlie got the water running and jumped in. He cringed against the shower stall, several drops of water touching his skin and making gooseflesh rise.

"Come on, Todd," Charlie repeated, scrubbing his neck with a cake of soap. "You're going to get hypothermia."

Todd whimpered. He couldn't move; he saw Neil before him, shaking his wet hair like a dog. Neil, snapping a towel at his head playfully. Neil, shutting Cameron's hot water off. Neil lying naked on the floor of his father's office, brains blown out. Neil. He was shaking so badly that his teeth were clacking like castanets.

"Hey," Charlie squinted his eyes against the spray of the shower, coming at him and hugging him tightly in warm dripping arms. "Come on, Todd, you've got to do this."

"N-no, n-n-no, no, no, no," Todd whined, voice breaking. "No, Charlie, please don't make me…"

"Come _on_, Todd." Charlie was stronger than him, and pretty soon they were both under the warm jet of water. Unexpectedly Todd relaxed and began to cry softly, whispering in rhythm, "Neil, Neil, Neil, Neil, Neil – "

Charlie rocked him slowly, gently. "It's OK, Todd."

When his crying finally ceased Charlie took the soap and carefully washed his hair, the golden strands dark brown with moisture. Todd leaned against the slimy shower wall and allowed Charlie to wash him, and then to turn the shower off and lead him into the locker room, sit him down and towel him off. He sat numbly as Charlie dried himself, slipped behind a row of stalls to change his shorts and get into his pajamas, and returned with Todd's things.

"Think you can handle the getting dressed part?" There was only sympathy, no humor, in Charlie's voice.

"Yes," Todd hiccupped. He would retain a little self-respect.

When he came back Charlie had folded and returned their towels. He handed Todd his robe without a sound and the two returned upstairs.

In the crowded bathroom, Todd waited until all the other boys had finished brushing their teeth until he finally did so himself, not having the willpower to fight for a space. Charlie waited in the room and came out when Todd signaled it was safe. He wanted to keep his return low-key.

As Todd brushed his teeth, Knox came into the bathroom, whistling. "Chris broke up with Chet last night," he informed Todd.

Todd spit into the sink and managed a wan smile. "How was the movie?"

"Hm? What movie? Oh, that. Are you kidding? You think we _watched_ the movie?" Knox smiled. Then his expression changed and he leaned over Todd.

"Charlie told me what happened tonight," he said, his face grim.

"Yeah?" Todd said weakly, rinsing his toothbrush. His heart was racing. He'd been so stupid to trust Charlie _Dalton_…

Knox slapped him on the back, laughing. "Next time you guys pull a stunt like that, bring me along. Whew! They'll never figure out how the stall floors got soaked." He frowned at himself in the mirror. "Though it was a little reckless of Nwanda. After all, he very nearly was permanently expelled."

Todd nearly collapsed in relief. "Yeah. That's what I said."

Knox sobered up and slung an arm over Todd's shoulders as he rinsed his mouth. "How are you coping, buddy?"

"Okay." Todd spit into the sink, watching the foam disappear down the drain.

"Think Charlie coming back is going to help, or make it worse?"

Todd thought about it; or at least appeared to. Really his mind was whirling so badly he couldn't think at all. He tucked his toothbrush in his robe pocket.

"Help, I guess."

"That's good. Hey - " Knox elbowed him. "If it doesn't end up helping, you can come room with me for a few nights. Hopkins would be thrilled to spend a couple nights with the legendary 'Nwanda'."

Todd laughed quietly.

Knox studied him. "You don't ever really smile anymore, Todd," he said. He turned to brush his teeth. "I myean, I jnow oo eyes ere est mends, rut…" he turned around, but Todd was gone. "Rodd?"

Todd closed the door soundlessly behind him and went immediately to his bed, crawling under the covers. Charlie was putting sheets on his bed.

"Sorry, Todd," he apologized over his shoulder. "He noticed my hair was wet and I had to tell him what was up."

"S'okay," Todd replied absently, staring at the ceiling. Neil had carved his initials into it. "Charlie?"

"Yeah."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Why do you think the rest of the guys are getting on with their lives, and I can't? How come Knox is still with Chris and Meeks is still studying and Pitts is still working on that dumb radio and you're still you and I can't even take a shower and I'm crying every five minutes?" Todd's voice broke, but he didn't cry. He was totally drained of tears.

Charlie paused. "I guess…like you said, he was your first real friend. You shared all his dreams, his room, the Dead Poets Society. You guys were constantly together. You were – sort of dependent on him, Todd. Him and Mr. Keating."

"But Mr. Keating's still alive and Neil's - "

"Yeah, I know, it's not the same. But it'll get better with time."

"Lights out," barked Dr. Haeber from the hall. Charlie went over and flipped the light switch, then lit a cigarette. Todd followed the glow as it moved from the door back over to Charlie's bed.

"Charlie?"

"Yeah." His voice was distinctly sleepier.

"They're blowing up the cave tomorrow morning."

There was a long pause. "Yeah, I know."

Todd shifted. "The guys and I - "

"Can't, Anderson. I've got kitchen duty for the rest of my life."

"Oh."

"Goodnight," said Charlie, a sort of apology.

"Goodnight," Todd whispered, though he knew he would not sleep.


	2. Ice

The next morning was dark and wet. Todd finally fell asleep at dawn, only to wake an hour later to find Charlie gone, his bed made up neatly.

Todd sat up, blinking, and looked over at the clock on his desk. Six oh one.

The cave was to be blown up at six o'clock.

Nervously, Todd wrapped his arms around his knees and rocked a little. He missed Neil, wished he was here with him. Neil would have known what to do. He would have sat next to Todd, talked to him quietly, in his intense voice, his eyes like lightning. He would hypnotize Todd into not caring, weave a spell of words as he had when he'd played Puck. _And if we shadows have offended… _

A sudden blast echoed in the distance and Todd doubled over, heaving. The cave was gone. He kept heaving, but nothing came up. There was a knock at the door and Knox came in uninvited.

Awkwardly Knox sat next to him and rubbed his back. He was crying silently as well. Meeks and Pitts sat on Charlie's neatly made bed, their faces blurry and blotched.

"It's really gone," said Pitts softly, his long face wrinkled and confused, as usual.

"Now we can pretend it never happened," Meeks commented wryly, only half joking.

"No," Knox said. "We can't."

***

Their usual table in the dining hall had dwindled considerably since Neil's death. Cameron sat alone now, in a corner of shame. The general consensus of the other students was that he was nothing but a rat, and though nothing was said explicitly, it was clear that they were sympathetic to the Society.

Knox, Meeks, Pitts and Todd sat at their regular seats, along with Perry Johnson or 'Specs', a friend of Meeks', and also Andrew Montaigne, whom they called Drew. Neil's empty place was filled by Christie, who roomed with Perry and was a fairly good friend of Knox's. Charlie was nowhere to be seen.

"Hey, where's Nwanda?" asked Pitts.

"Kitchen duty," replied Christie.

Perry swiped at his nose. "How did he ever convince Mr. Nolan to let him come back?"

"Good old Dalton magic," said Knox.

Todd stared hard at his plate.

They rose for the prayer; sat down again. There was a buzz as Charlie went from table to table, distributing the scrambled eggs

"Hey, Dalton, hear your parents paid Nolan a bundle to take you back."

"Charlie! How'd you do it?"

"Get any phone calls from God lately, Nwanda?"

Todd snuck a look at Cameron. His ears were scarlet with rage as Charlie dished him his eggs.

Finally Charlie finished serving and sat down at his own plate, making a face at his cooling food. All he had were eggs and a piece of bacon. "They always skip the servers."

Wordlessly Todd shoved his own plate at Charlie.

"No, Todd, you eat it."

"Please, Charlie," he said soundlessly, his eyes pleading. "You know I can't."

Charlie's dark eyes met his light ones, and finally the former lowered and consented. Todd chewed on the ice from his water glass.

"So what do you want to do today?" Drew finally ventured from the head of the table. "I was thinking we could get together and study."

"Dunno," Knox said. "I was planning to go to the gym to work out."

"I could stand for a bit of studying," Meeks said.

"Me too," Perry sniffed.

Christie shrugged massive shoulders. "Guess I should study with you guys, then." He looked at Pitts. You in?"

"Sure," Pitts said around a mouthful of eggs.

"What about you, Nwanda?"

"Sorry. I'm polishing the trophies all morning, and then washing the cases all afternoon." There were groans all around. Charlie grinned. "Hey, guys, I'm back. Don't complain just 'cause you'll have to forego my company."

"What're you gonna do, Todd?" Knox asked.

Everyone looked at him. "Um, study."

"You want to meet us in the Hall?" Meeks offered.

"No thanks." Todd kept his eyes on his water glass.

"Aw, come on, Todd," Pittsy said.

"Let him do what he wants," Knox said. He got up. "Attention, geeks, I go now to exercise my godlike body."

There were cries of protest at this, and Pitts got up and made as if to grip him in a wrestling hold, laughing. They left, leaving only Charlie and Todd.

Charlie finished his breakfast and slipped a roll into his pocket. "I'm saving this for later, in case you get hungry, alright?"

Todd smiled blankly. "Thanks."

He sat in his room for a while, feeling guilty for being clean and warm while Neil was slowly decomposing far below the frozen soil. He hadn't even been allowed to attend the funeral, to see the brown-haired boy one last time. At least he hadn't eaten. There was nothing to throw up now.

Todd reached under the bed and brought out the God of the Cave, positioning him on the desk. The ugly lamp-post leered at him, frozen in its plaster farce of a dance.

"I saved you," he told it. "Saved you, like I couldn't save Neil."

_Yes, you could have_.

"No!" Bewildered, Todd shook his head. "His father…his father made him do it…"

_But you could have stopped him_.

"No! No! How? How _could_ I – I couldn't. You're _wrong_. You're wrong."

Still the ugly figure sneered at him.

Unable to take it anymore, Todd got up and went out, shaking.

He found Charlie downstairs, in front of the main trophy case, wheezing as he removed trophies and

dusted the plaques that had not been used for years. Charlie had asthma, and dust was one of the things that set it off.

Todd stood stupidly behind him, hands shoved in his pockets. His hair hung in his eyes and mentally he reminded himself to cut it.

Minutes passed by. Finally, after a coughing fit, Charlie noticed Todd's reflection in the mirrored glass and turned round. "Hey, buddy," he rasped.

"Hey."

Charlie wiped his face with his sleeve. "Shouldn't you be studying?"

Todd shrugged, trying to look nonchalant. "Thought I'd come and help you."

"Then help me get this sweater off, will you?" Charlie bent over and held his arms toward Todd in a diver's pose. Awkwardly Todd pulled it over Charlie's head. "Ahh…thanks. I was dying in that thing."

Todd put the sweater on the small stepladder Charlie was using to reach the trophies on the shelves while the dark-haired boy chattered on. "I thought we could go for a walk after dinner tonight," he said, picking up a trophy that said County Lacrosse Champions 1923 and handing it to Todd, who staggered under the weight of it. Charlie tossed him a rag and some cleaning polish.

"A walk where?" Todd asked quietly as he sat, Indian-style, and sprayed the polish over the trophy's dully gleaming gold surface.

"Oh, I don't know. Down to the lake I guess. The new floodlights are finally working; we can ice skate or play hockey or something."

"I don't have skates."

"Well, borrow Knox's. He's sneaking out to see Chris again since Mr. Nolan won't let him into town but once a month."

"Knox's feet are huge."

"So stuff 'em with paper towels, I don't know." Charlie coughed and held his bleary eyes against the bare skin of his forearm, obviously trying to cool them. When he pulled his arm away his eyes were huge and red-lined. "You don't want to go, do you?" he addressed Todd, sounding disappointed.

"Yeah, I just - " Todd's hands fell slack against the trophy.

Charlie studied him.

"Me and Neil were supposed to go ice skating when it froze over." He sounded like a whiny child, and he hated himself for it.

Charlie looked away and sighed, ever so slightly.

Todd hit the floor with a limp fist. "I'm sorry, Charlie, I really am. I wish to God I could just forget him. I can't. I'm sorry. I'm an ass and I know it." If it hadn't been for the other boys passing to and fro, he might have been crying; as it was, he was teary-eyed.

"It's okay, Todd. Don't sweat it." Charlie turned back to the case and continued dusting. "You're not an ass," he added after some moments.

Todd laughed hollowly. "Glad it took you so long to say it."

"Look, Todd - " Charlie's voice was strained and hoarse. "I miss him too, and I was nowhere near as close to him as you were. I understand it's going to take time, alright? It's no big deal. So don't worry about it, OK?"

"OK," Todd answered faintly. "Charlie?"

"Yeah." He was finished dusting now, and reached over to take the polish from Todd.

"You think we could still go skating tonight?"

Charlie looked up and grinned at him, that swashbuckling smirk that had enraged so many teachers and intimidated so many of his peers. "Why the hell not?" he replied.

***

True to his word, Charlie showed up after dinner, showered and tired-looking. Todd watched him worriedly as he got dressed.

"You sure you don't want to wait until another time?" The dark blond boy ventured. It was dark outside already, the last edges of sunset long gone, and the temperature had dropped to fifteen degrees. "_Ten_," Pitts' illegal radio had reported, "_with the wind chill_."

Charlie shook his head. "No, no." His voice was still grating. "Go get Knox's skates and try them on, Todd, okay? I'll be ready in five."

So Todd went next door. Knox let him in, whistling as he did so.

"You're going skating, Todd? That's great!" he exclaimed when Todd asked to borrow his skates. "Sure, take them. I never use them anyhow. Too damned uncoordinated."

Todd put them on. They were nearly three sizes too big, but Knox stuffed a few pairs of socks in the toes and they fit better. Clumsily he wobbled to the door, thanked Knox, and staggered back to his own room.

Charlie was lying on his bed, his face pale and his eyes closed. Frightened, Todd ran to him (or ran as best he could, in his skates) and shook him. "Charlie," he moaned in utter terror.

Charlie opened one eye lazily at him. "Jesus, Todd, can't I just rest for a minute?"

Todd could say nothing. He was trembling, his hands icy with fear. He went back to his own bed and slowly put his face in his hands. "I th-th-thought you were dead."

"Oh, God." Charlie sat up with a sigh and went over to him. "I'm sorry, Todd. Calm down, OK? We're going to have a good night. We're going to go skating, and we're not going to think about Neil. Okay?"

Todd thought he couldn't reply, but he forced himself, for Charlie's sake. "Okay."

***

The ice was bleak under the glaring floodlights, banks of snow piled like benches, framing the lake. It was deadly still and silent save for the hum of the lights and the slow _scrrraaape _of the other boy's skates, of which there weren't many – maybe five others, skating aimlessly in the frosty air.

Todd was inelegant on the ice, tripping over his own feet as he sought to find his balance. Charlie laughed as he skated circles around him, then coughed. He fumbled in his pocket for his inhaler and brought it to his lips, breathing deeply.

"Let me try," Todd begged. He took it and inhaled. It smelled vaguely of menthol and stale cigarettes.

"I know, it reeks of cigarettes." Charlie grinned as he tucked it back into his pocket. "Not the smartest habit for an asthmatic."

Todd smiled, then tripped and fell on his face. Charlie skated to a stop in front of him and offered a mittened hand.

Using Charlie as his brace, Todd got back to his feet. Slowly they skated arm in arm, Charlie demonstrating to Todd how to move his feet.

"See…you angle them like this if you want to stop. Push off as if you're running, but keep your knees looser than you would normally. Alright…you've got it. No, don't wave your arms like that – Todd!" This last was yelped as they went down in a tangle of scarves and snow.

"Todd," Charlie sighed as he shook snow off his cap. "You're hopeless."

"I hope so," laughed Todd.

Charlie grinned widely back at him, his dark eyes flickering. "It's great to see you laugh."

Todd smiled, almost embarrassed. He looked around. The lake was deserted. He wondered how late it was, and turned back to ask Charlie, only to find the dark-haired boy was nose to nose with him.

"Charlie," he said lamely.

Charlie breathed hot menthol in his nostrils. His eyes were still flickering, his lips trembling. He looked almost crazed.

"Charlie - " Todd started again, but could not finish.

Charlie kissed him.

It was hot, and wet, and slow. Charlie, obviously experienced, thrust his tongue deep into Todd's mouth. His hand reached back and buried itself in Todd's dark golden hair, pressing him closer, kissing him deeper…

Todd wrenched away, shaking. _Oh my God, what did he just do – ?_

Charlie stared bewildered at him, saliva on his mouth, hair in his eyes. He wiped his mouth nervously, in an expression most un-Charlie-like. "Todd?" he asked weakly, though so much more was implied. _What did I do wrong? Why did I do that?_ And, of course, _Why did you pull away?_

Todd got up, the snow flying from his coat, and stumbled across the ice. He could hear Charlie yelling after him, but the sound blurred and was lost on his ears. Weak as he was from not eating and not sleeping; and as inexperienced as he was on the ice, Todd was desperate and that lent him speed as he ran from Charlie.

"Todd! Todd, stop, dammnit! TODD!"

But Todd could not stop.

He ran inside, past Meeks and Pitts talking near the grand staircase and Perry reading in a hall, and to the more secluded hall where the phones were located. Hands shaking, he deposited his money and dialed Mr. Keating's number at Devon with numb fingers.

"Todd!" Charlie, out of breath and wheezing badly, finally staggered up to him. "Todd, what are you doing? Who are you calling?"

Todd turned away from him, sobbing dryly from his dash inside. "Just go away, Charlie."

"Todd, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Todd, I was crazy, okay? It won't happen again…goddamnit, Todd, look at me!" Charlie spun him around, and Todd flinched at his touch and cringed against the pay phone.

"What is it, Todd?" Now there was anger in Charlie's voice. "What is it? It is that I'm not Neil? You think I don't know goddamn well what you wanted from _him_…"

"How could you say that!" Todd fairly screamed at him. "I never, ever – "

"Oh, _come off it!_" Charlie stuck a finger in his face, voice wavering. " 'Oh, Neil, I loved him.' 'Oh, I can't let go.' 'Oh, I kept his goddamned _sweatshirts_!' Best friends? Horse_shit_!"

"Can'tbelieveyoucan'tbelieveyoucan'tbelieveyou," Todd gibbered, curling against the wall. Curious faces, hearing the noise, stuck their heads around the corner and peered at them.

"You wanted him, Todd." Charlie seized his shirt by the collar. "Say it, Todd. You wanted him!"

"Fuck off!" Todd finally managed to spit out, then so shocked at what he had done, collapsed in a heap on the floor. The phone swung from its cord above him.

Charlie's pupils shrank, and his face was drained of color. Without another word he spun on his heel and left.

"Hello? Hello?" In the silence, a strident voice was emanating from the dangling phone. Todd reached out for it and swallowed before answering weakly.

"Hello?"

"Hello, yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'd like to, uh, I'd like to please speak to Mr. John Keating. Please." Adrenaline, something, calmed Todd and he only shook a bit as he stood up again and turned his back to the interested faces of the other boys.

"I'm sorry, sir, but Mr. Keating has retired for the evening."

"Please. Tell him it's urgent. Tell him, tell him it's Todd. Anderson."

The woman sighed. "Please hold."

A moment later, Mr. Keating's voice came over the phone. "Todd?"

"Mr. Keating, I'm sorry for calling so late but I had to talk to you and I - "

"Whoa, Todd, slow down. Take it from the top."

So he did.

After he finished, there was a dead silence. The operator buzzed in and said mechanically, "Please deposit a dime for your next ten minutes."

Fumbling with cold fingers, Todd got one out and fed it into the phone. There was more silence, until finally Mr. Keating said, repeating Todd's last words,

"He kissed you?"

"Yeah." He could see Mr. Keating in his mind's eye, running his brown paw through his hair puzzledly.

Mr. Keating cleared his throat. "Well, you know, Todd, in some cultures it's considered customary to - "

"No," Todd said quietly but firmly.

"I see." He cleared his throat again. "Well, Todd, I'm not much of a Greek myself, but I know Shakespeare…Wilde…dozens of poets have, er, lead _alternative_ lifestyles. Ultimately I guess it's up to you."

"Up to…" Todd was bewildered. "But Mr. Keating, isn't that…a sin?"

He cleared his throat. "I'm aware that some think that, yes. But I didn't say you should…er…involve yourself in any activities that may get you expelled from Welton and possibly worse." Mr. Keating sighed. "Listen, Todd. I'll tell you straight that I've never had to deal with any situation like this. But in the end it's a decision of the heart. What do you think, what do you feel?"

"I don't know what I should think, what I should feel." Todd's voice rose, strained. "Mr. Keating – I ran away from him and he…he said terrible things to me. He said – he said I wanted Neil. Mr. Keating, I never thought about Neil that way - "

"I understand, Todd." There was a brief pause, and muffled voices over Mr. Keating's end of the phone.

"Todd?" he said after the voices stopped.

"Yes?"

"I have to go now, but call me some other time. And remember what I told you."

"Right," Todd said dully. Knox, back from his date with Chris, was leaning against the wall beside him. Obviously someone had clued him in to what was going on.

"Have a good night, Todd. Don't forget to call me."

"Good night, Mr. Keating. Thank you."

"It's no problem, Todd. Good luck."

Todd hung up, defeated. If even Mr. Keating didn't know what to do…

"Todd, what's going on?" There was a certain tiredness in the curve of Knox's mouth, the same tiredness he'd seen in Charlie's earlier that afternoon. They were sick – sick of him, sick of his depression. They wanted him to get over it, get on with his own life. He smiled, sickening sweet, at Knox.

"Nothing, Knox. I had a little tiff with Charlie, that's all. Nothing important."

Knox eyed him suspiciously. "How was skating?"

"Fine," Todd answered with that same sickly grin. "We talked a bit, and I'm feeling better, I think."

Knox's face relaxed. "That's great, Todd." He gestured at the phone. "Who'd you call?"

"Hm?" Todd played dumb, then smiled as if in realization. "Oh. Mr. Keating. Wanted to see how he was doing."

"Well, what did he say?"

Todd looked down at his fingers, played with his Welton ring. "He said everything was just fine."

***

Todd approached his own room door with caution. There was no telling what kind of mood Charlie was in, and if it was a bad one, he could be violent. He thought of Cameron's bloody nose and winced slightly, then raised his hand. Open-palmed, he tapped the door.

There was a prolonged silence. "Come in," Charlie finally said. He didn't sound angry, just weak and tired.

Todd opened the door. The lights were off, and he flicked them on. Charlie lay sprawled on the bed, chain smoking. His fingers were quivering as he lit a cigarette, the previous one still dangling from his lips. He finished the one in a drag and then stuck the other in, inhaling deeply. His breath rattled in his chest.

Todd closed the door behind him and played with his knuckles, still standing. "That's – that's really bad for your asthma," he said lamely.

Charlie didn't even look at him.

He went over to Neil's bed and sat down, cross-legged, hands in his lap still playing with one another.

Several minutes passed, but no one said anything. Charlie coughed periodically in between drags, and Todd must have cleared his throat twenty times, but no words were spoken. Finally Todd dragged out his literature book and started reading, but he couldn't concentrate. The words slipped over the pages and fell into his lap. He stared blankly at them.

"Do you hate me?" The words were smooth, mellow, like the cigarette smoke, but Charlie's voice was rough and it cracked.

"No," said Todd.

"You should."

"I don't."

"Please."

Todd looked over at him, but he was looking at the ceiling. "Please what?"

Charlie's sharp eyes shifted back to him. "Don't play stupid, Todd. You're not stupid."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Charlie."

He looked down, and for a moment Todd thought he was hallucinating. Charlie Dalton, _crying_?

"Damn it, Todd. I said the most incredibly vile things to you. I don't even remember it. I'm sure you do - "

He took a deep quivering breath. "And I'm sure you remember what happened out on the ice."

"What 'happened'?" Todd echoed dully. "Or what you did?"

Now he _was_ crying, albeit silently. "Okay. What I did. Listen, just tell Mr. Nolan and I'll be out of here for good. Okay? I won't bug you anymore. I'll be a non-entity."

Todd said quietly, "You were right."

Now Charlie looked at him. "What?"

"You were right, Charlie. I wanted him. I loved him and worshipped him and wanted to possess him soul and body. You were right, okay? Are you happy?" Todd smacked his head with the palm of his hand. "What was it, did I stare at him like a flit? How'd you know? Did I _touch_ him like a flit?"

"Todd," Charlie said desperately, "you don't mean that. I was angry, I just said the first thing that came to mind. I mean, you never…I'm sure you never…"

"No one else ever paid attention to me but Neil," Todd said softly. "He made me feel loved, I guess." He looked at Charlie. "I wanted him," he whispered. "I wanted him to kiss me."

Charlie gaped at him. "Like I - "

"Yeah. Like you kissed me."

"Is that why you ran away, then? Because I'm not him?" Charlie's eyes were like black diamonds.

"I don't know." Todd closed his book and tossed it in the general direction of the desk.

Charlie shifted, put out his cigarette, and started to light another.

"Could you not chain-smoke?" Todd asked. "I'm going to die of secondary smoke inhalation."

That same defiant, crazy look came into Charlie's eyes. He got up, swaggered over, and sat on the bed. Lighting the cigarette, he stuck it in his mouth and blew a pouf of smoke into Todd's face.

They were nose to nose again. Todd's mouth was slightly open. "Please, Charlie- " he started.

"Todd," Charlie said, stubbing the cigarette in the ash tray by the window and moving closer. Todd sucked in his breath

"Can we try this again?" the dark haired boy continued.

Todd closed his eyes. _Carpe diem_, I guess…_God, Neil…_

He never had a chance to answer, because Charlie kissed him again. This time Todd got into it too, trying to mimic Charlie's experienced tongue, gingerly gripping Charlie's fingers in his own. He imagined that it was the night after the play, and Charlie was Neil, dark and handsome, beautiful as the faerie Puck, still in his costume. Then the shirt of the costume was off, and Todd ran cold hands wonderingly over smooth flesh that goose pimpled under his hands.

"Neil…" he murmured, in ecstasy.

Charlie pulled back a little, too dazed to hear him. "What?"

Todd snapped back to reality. His mouth tasted like cigarettes, and he ran his tongue over his teeth. "Nothing." His heart felt like it was breaking. "I'm just…tired."

"That's because you don't eat, you know." Charlie ran his lips over Todd's neck, making him shudder. "I knew…the other night in the shower," he breathed. "I want to take care of you, Todd. I want to comfort you, love you. That okay?"

"Sure," Todd replied, wondering that Charlie was even asking permission. "But, Charlie…"

"Yeah?"

"I don't even know what love is, really. I've never even dated anyone. Kissed anyone."

Charlie laughed, his dark eyes somehow beautiful to Todd, suddenly, unexpectedly. "You loved Neil, right?"

"Yes." But Neil and Charlie were so unalike. Charlie repelled and fascinated people; he was volatile, abrasive, cynical. Neil was compassionate, understanding. That they had similar charisma was their only shared trait.

"Then you can love me."

_You can love me_. Todd drew a trembling breath, tried saying it in his mind. _I love Charlie_.

It was true, to an extent. But his stubborn mind replied, _You love Neil_.

He opened his mouth, but Charlie kissed him deeply and said into his mouth, "Don't say it. Get used to it first."

Todd felt the words echo through his skull and shuddered in a mix of pleasure and helplessness. He felt Charlie lean into him, press him back against the wall.

Abruptly, Charlie pulled away and got up. "I have something for you," he rasped.

Todd drew his knees up under him. "Okay," he replied, touching his chin gently. There was saliva on it. _Charlie's spit_, he thought, but the thought did not compute in his brain.

Charlie rummaged through the closet, throwing shoes and coats out of the way. "Ah!" he said, and then drew out a plain paper bag. He went back over to the bed and opened it. Inside there were three rolls, some fruit, and a bottle of Pepsi.

Todd's stomach growled, against his will. "Charlie…you know I can't eat."

"Yes you can." Charlie cracked open the Pepsi and swigged a bit down. "This was all I could nick from the kitchen, and I put my neck on the block, so you better eat and enjoy it." Wiping his mouth, he handed the Pepsi to Todd and began to peel an orange.

Todd looked blankly at the Pepsi. The old familiar sick feeling in his stomach was still there, but weaker. Perhaps it, too, was shocked by this turn of events.

"Todd." Charlie set a piece of orange peel on the bed next to them. "You think Neil would want you to starve?"

He almost retorted, _He doesn't want anything anymore_, but instead swallowed his bile, closed his eyes, and started to drink the Pepsi.

"That's it! Chug, chug, chug, chug!" Charlie laughed. Todd got halfway through and then choked. "Alright, easy, pace yourself." Charlie handed him a bit of orange.

Slowly, steadily, Todd ate his way through the orange, all the rolls, and half an apple. Charlie helped him finished the Pepsi, then lay back, satiated.

"See? That wasn't so hard."

Todd didn't answer, just lay next to Charlie and dug his head in the other boy's shoulder. Charlie petted his hair for a while, then lapsed into a comfortable silent motionlessness.

Without warning, the door swung open and Todd sat up, red-faced, out of breath. Charlie remained in his previous comfortable pose, drumming his fingers on his belly.

It was Pitts, and he frowned a little in confusion at Todd's stricken face. "Something wrong?"

Then he saw Charlie and his brow furrowed even deeper. "Guys, I don't know - " Then he stopped. His face turned an interesting shade of pink.

"I'll come back later, Todd. I just wanted your, um, Chemistry book." With this Pitts awkwardly backed out and shut the door.

Todd let his head thump against the wall. "We're so dead."

"Oh, come on, Todd. It was _Pittsy_. He's not exactly the brightest guy I know."

"He's not stupid, either!"

Charlie ran his fingers up and down Todd's arm. "Relax. It'll be fine." He kissed him once more, a lingering peck, and then bounced over to his own bed.

"Lights out!" Dr. Haeber yelled from the hall.

They quickly changed and got into their beds. Todd shifted around uncomfortably for a while, then called out softly, "Charlie?"

"Yuh huh."

"Do you think we could sleep together? I think it would help…with the nightmares." He could practically _feel_ the other boy's grin. "Don't be sick, Nwanda."

"Sure, Todd." Charlie got up, and Todd felt the bed creak as he eased himself in. "You know, if there's a fire and we don't hear the alarm and the fireman guy has to come in here and rescue us…"

"Don't start, Charlie." Todd felt Charlie snuggle deep into him, and he breathed deeply.

"Goodnight, Charlie."

His voice was already sleepy, thick and slow, with only traces of raspiness. "'Night."


	3. First

The next morning, Todd awoke late to the sound of the chapel bells tolling. Frantic, he sprang to his feet, throwing his clothes on. Meeks appeared at the door, said, "We've got five minutes," and disappeared again.

The events of the previous night whirled through his brain. Could it have been a dream? No, there in the garbage was the rind of the orange, the empty Pepsi bottle. Charlie's skates were lying in a melted puddle of snow like dying goldfish. Todd drew a thick breath and headed outside.

Outside it was bitter cold, but the sun reflected sharply off the new-fallen snow. Todd walked with Meeks and Pitts, who mentioned nothing of the night before, but avoided meeting Todd's gaze. Oddly, Todd felt too well-rested and well-fed to care as much as he might have otherwise.

The boys assembled for Sunday morning mass. Charlie was nowhere to be seen, but Todd remembered suddenly that he had mentioned having to deliver an apology speech.

After they sung the customary hymns and Father Freddo had delivered his sermon, Mr. Nolan took the pulpit, his hard gaze sweeping over the assembled.

"Boys," he began. "You are all, I am sure, well informed on what occurred in the weeks after Neil Perry's death. The cave where he held his reckless and dangerous meetings has been destroyed. The teacher that encouraged his behavior was dismissed. Unfortunately, as a byproduct of all this emotion and goings-on, a prominent student here at Welton, Mr. Charles Dalton, was expelled."

Mr. Nolan lifted a finger. "Yet because of Mr. Dalton's record, and on behalf of his parents' request, we are making a special exception and re-admitting him. He is, of course, extremely grateful, and so has prepared a statement for all of you. We must remember the Christian virtue of forgiveness, and our duty to accept his apology with grace."

Mr. Nolan stepped down, and a pale-faced Charlie rose from his seat in the front pew and went to the pulpit. Gripping the sides with white-knuckled hands, he began:

"Fellow classmates, professors, and Mr. Nolan: I stand here today for one reason, and that is the supreme grace of God, exemplified through yourselves.

In this year at Welton, I have made many grave errors. There was the telephone call prank…the article in the newspaper…my dangerous affiliation with the Dead Poets Society…my refusal to cooperate in the investigation into the death of Neil Perry…and lastly, but certainly the most grievous – the striking of my fellow student, Mr. Richard Cameron."

Many heads turned to look at Cameron, who looked rather pleased with the attention.

"For all of this I can hardly apologize. There are no words to express my sorrow and extreme penitence.

Yet I am here today, determined to prove to you that I am a new person. I will commit my days to servicing Welton and all those who walk her hallowed halls. I beg of all of you, your forgiveness and your understanding, and once again thank Mr. Nolan and the Board, who have made this possible for me – a second chance. Thank you." With this Charlie stepped down and returned to his seat.

There was no applause. The boys were so shocked by what they had heard that no one dared even move.

Mr. Nolan got back up, clapping. "Well said, Mr. Dalton. I am sure you are genuine and heartfelt in your hope for a new beginning." Then he addressed the boys. "You are dismissed."

Murmurs grew as everyone rose and began to exit. Todd, bewildered, waited with Knox, Pittsy and Meeks for Charlie.

Finally he appeared through the crush of boys, smiling restrainedly. "Hey, guys. Could we move it? I've got kitchen duty."

"Charlie - " Todd started, but was unable to go on.

Knox finished for him as they walked outside, the snow crunching underneath their boots. "Charlie, what was that load of _bull_?"

"What bull?" Charlie stared at him blankfaced, then stooped down and made a snowball. Packing it in his bare hands, he whistled and strode on ahead.

Knox looked at Todd. "You know what's going on," he whispered, almost accusingly.

Now three sets of eyes were on him as Meeks and Pitts nodded as well. "Why don't you tell us what's going on, _Todd_?" Pittsy asked in a threatening tone, very unlike him.

Knox shook his head. "Not now, Pitts."

Pitts looked back at Todd, who was shaking slightly. "Later, then," he said darkly.

They turned and walked away, leaving Todd standing bewildered and frightened in their wake.

***

Sunday breakfast, usually a welcome affair, was cold and solemn. Charlie didn't seem to notice anything wrong, but the rest of their table was sullen and hushed, throwing accusative glances at Todd, all except Perry, who was too timid or too preoccupied to do anything but eat and wipe his nose reflexively.

Todd ate reluctantly, but only because he didn't want Charlie to make a scene. The food congealed in his stomach, making him feel sick.

After breakfast Charlie reported to Mr. Nolan's office, and Todd had to return to his room alone. He made his and Charlie's beds, and gathered the dirty laundry to take downstairs. After he had finished cleaning, he out of habit opened the thick-paned window to air the room and sat at the desk. The God of the Cave was there, too, looking at him.

_Hello Todd._

"Hi," he said cautiously. Did the painted on smile seem more sharp, more sly, today?

_How are you?_

"Fine."

_How's your boyfriend?_

Todd blanched. "He's not my - "

_Now, Todd. I've known you to be a moron, but not…a flit. _The statue seemed to titter. _Oh my, Todd, what will your friends think? No, no, what do they think already?_

Sweat beaded on his forehead. "They…they don't know…"

_Come now. What do you think they wanted to talk to you about?_ The statue smiled lecherously. _Never knew you wanted Neil_, it taunted. _Never knew that's the only reason you miss him, because you never got him to f – _

Todd made it down the hallway and into one of the stalls before he threw up.

He must have blacked out, because he came to a few seconds later, his bile staining the white porcelain, the cracked tile floor freezing beneath his legs. The bitter smell of his own sickness repulsed him, and every time he thought about Charlie kissing him, he wanted to vomit again.

Eventually he gathered the strength to flush the toilet and returned, Jell-o-limbed, to his room.

"Hello, Todd," said Knox quietly from where he sat on Neil's bed.

Todd stammered. "Knox…what are you doing here?"

"Sit down, Todd." The acidic detached tone of Knox's voice frightened Todd even more than the look in Charlie's eyes had on the morning of Neil's death.

Todd sat on Charlie's bed limply.

"We know, Todd."

The words vibrated throughout him, spread to the tips of his limbs and left a warm pinkish glow. "Oh," he said, and his voice sounded small.

Knox shook his head. "How long did you think you could fool us, Todd?" His lips were small and red, and he kept pressing them together, as if in distress or anger. Todd winced whenever he said his name – it was like a demonstration of power over him.

"I – we only - " Todd tried vainly to explain, but words failed him. "I'm sorry," he finally managed quietly.

"Sorry isn't nearly good enough." Knox got up and started to pace. "And all this time, to think, we blamed Mr. Perry! Well, you damn well aren't getting Charlie as well."

"_What_?" Todd sputtered.

"You heard me. I knew there was something going on, something wrong. You made Neil into a freak like you, and he couldn't take it, so he killed himself. And now you're trying to get your claws into Charlie."

Knox's eyes bored into Todd. "Oh, Todd. You play that stupid, insecure little boy, but really you're just a sick, deranged predator. You killed Neil. I won't let you have Charlie too."

"Knox," Todd said helplessly. "That's not true…I never even touched Neil…"

"Don't fucking lie to me!" Knox screamed at him. He seized Todd by his collar and shoved him backward, strong despite his thin physique. "I'll _kill _you, you pretending all this time to care about Neil when really you just wanted him to – to – I can't even say it, you sicko!"

"Knox!" Charlie stood in the door, his face red, his mouth furious.

"Get out of here, Charlie," Knox said, calming his voice as one might with a small child. "Get out of here and let me handle him."

"Knox, calm down. Let him go." Charlie shut the door behind him and inched toward the two boys. Todd's eyes were huge and frightened, and seemed to plead with him.

"No, Charlie. You don't know what you're doing. He – " Knox shook Todd by the collar viciously " – has you fooled. He's making you do stuff, say stuff. I'll kill him. He killed Neil."

"Knox, he had nothing to do with Neil's death and you know it."

"He's a sicko, Charlie! A flit! A fag! I won't let him get you. I won't. I'll kill him."

In one smooth motion, all anger gone from his face, Charlie went to Knox and gently but firmly pried his fingers from Todd, who slumped on the bed, quivering. "That's not true, Knox. Last night – last night I kissed him."

Knox backed away from Charlie, his eyes deerlike in their fright and distrust. "No, Charlie. No you didn't."

"Yes I did, and that's what we were fighting about. That's why Todd called Mr. Keating. He was scared out of his mind. I accused him of wanting Neil, and he flipped out. It's absolutely not true."

Knox looked from Charlie to Todd, from Todd back to Charlie. "But Pitts…"

"Yeah, good old Pittsy. He saw something, and you guys made a false assumption. Todd had nothing to do with Neil killing himself. They never went beyond the lines of a casual friendship."

"I wanted more," Todd felt bound to whisper the truth.

Charlie shot him a look. "Yes, he did. But did you ever tell Neil that, Todd?"

Todd shook his head vigorously no.

"And did you ever touch him, kiss him, anything like that?"

Another vigorous no.

Charlie looked back at Knox, pleadingly. "If anything, I'm the fag. Not Todd. I coerced him into anything he felt or did."

"No, Charlie, not you." Knox paced. "You were the most…"

"Most sexual, absolutely obsessed with girls?" Charlie sat next to Todd and lit a cigarette. Contemplatively, around it, he murmured, "I guess I was. Maybe it was a false pretense. Maybe it was hormones."

"Maybe this is hormones," Knox countered.

Charlie cocked an eyebrow at him. "You can blame whatever you like on hormones. But I'm all Todd's got now and you guys being assholes isn't going to aid the situation."

"Let me see," Knox said, deadpan.

"Sure," Charlie said glibly, putting out his cigarette.

"Charlie – " Todd protested weakly.

"Sorry. Lemme get a mint." Charlie patted his pockets, then frowned. "You gotta mint, Overstreet?"

Wordlessly Knox flipped him a tin of Altoids. Charlie popped one in his mouth, crunched it, and offered one to Todd. Still able to taste bile in his mouth, Todd excepted it gratefully.

"Ready for the freak show?" Charlie quipped.

Knox frowned and folded his arms, not responding.

Todd tried to protest, but Charlie took his chin in his hand and whispered, "Pretend he's not here." Then he kissed him.

This time it lasted longer. Todd sucked in the cold air from the open window greedily through his nose, trying to put all images of Knox's openmouthed face out of his mind. When Charlie finally pulled away, Knox was sitting on the bed opposite them, his face twisted in what might have been confusion, anger, or nausea…or all three.

Todd made as if to get up, but Charlie gently motioned for him to stay.

"Well," he said to Knox.

"Well," Knox replied. He fiddled with his tie, not looking at them. "That was interesting."

"And?" Charlie asked, quirking his mouth.

"Maybe you should tell the guys what's up. Just so no one has any…ideas. Like I had." Knox addressed Todd. "Todd, I'm sorry – I was a jerk, okay?"

"No problem," Todd said, managing a smile.

"No, it is a problem. I was raised with a small mind."

"We all were," Charlie observed quietly.

"Yeah, well, some of us less so than others."

"And some of us have a girlfriend to prevent attacks of sexual curiosity." Charlie grinned pointedly at Knox, in jest.

Knox flushed. "Yeah. I'll go get Pitts and Meeks."

"Better give them a heads-up, so they don't go into cardiac arrest," Charlie advised. "Not everyone has your strong constitution."

This produced a smile from Knox as he went out, and Todd again wondered at Charlie's unfailing ability to ignite and diffuse situations with a phrase, a smile. To beguile with a touch. To comfort with a look. He found Charlie's hand and they intertwined their fingers.

"Charlie?"

"Mmm."

"Did you mean what you said about Chris? I mean, if you had a girlfriend, would you…" Todd trailed off, then found his words again. "Am I just a garbage dump for your emotion, your hormones, because you can't get at a girl?"

Charlie looked down at him, scowling slightly, but in good humor. "My, my, you're a suspicious one." He thought about it for a while, his eyes straying to the open window. It was almost completely silent, save for the cries of geese left behind in the cold, and the sound of someone in the dorm on the right re-arranging his closet.

"Todd. I want you because you're beautiful, sweet, shy. Because you need me. And I need you. Not because I'm horny, not because I'm lonely, but because you're the one for me and I know it and I couldn't give a damn about anything else." Charlie looked back at him. "That night, when I brought Gloria and Trisha to the cave - "

"Tina," Todd corrected.

"Right, Tina. I didn't give a shit about them. I was watching _you_, Todd. You. And I was wildly jealous of the relationship you and Neil had. He was my best friend; you were an invader. But I came to love you. I had to. Or I'd hate you." Charlie's face wrinkled. "That make sense?"

Todd nodded, wanting Charlie to go on, but then the door opened and Todd sat up, wanting to face his friends with a bit of dignity.

It took some explaining, and Charlie finally had to beg out so he could shovel the walks, but the shocked and frightened faces of Meeks and Pitts were slowly transformed into a ginger understanding. After Charlie had gone, Todd got changed out of his suit and tie and into 'knock-around' clothes while Meeks and Pitts quizzed each other on Charlie's bed.

"Romanticism is…"

"Er."

"Come on, you know this. An embracing…" Meeks prompted.

"…of the new. Rejection of order, science, structure. Dealing with new and innovative ideas, feelings, poetic structure." Pitts opened his clenched eyes and grinned.

"You got it! 'Course, it won't be on the test. Realism will be, though. So just think the opposite."

Pitts groaned.

Knox laid back comfortably on Neil's bed. "So, what's everyone doing for the hols?"

"Going home," chorused Pitts and Meeks together.

"Eh, you're all stiffs." Knox leaned forward. "Get this – I'm going to stay in town. With Chris."

"Are you crazy?" Meeks voiced for all of them.

"How?" asked Pittsy.

Knox shrugged. "I told my parents that I'm staying at Welton for the break. I told Welton I'd be home. Cakewalk."

"You're gonna get caught," Todd found himself saying before he could stop his words.

All three sets of eyes came to rest on him. He hadn't spoken a word since Charlie had left and the others had conspicuously changed the subject. "Why's that?" Knox asked.

"Because," Todd said quietly, wrapping his scarf around his neck, "nothing gold can stay. You want something too much, love something too much, it gets taken away."

"Todd - " Knox began.

"No, Knox. It's just the simple truth. Accept it. I have." With this Todd pulled at his boots, nodded to Meeks and Pitts, and left to help Charlie shovel.

***

The week of exams passed quickly. Todd did well, despite his wandering mind, and Charlie did even better. It seemed he was on a permanent high, even though his asthma had worsened and the school doctor had to put him on medication. He took his exams with unending cheerfulness, did his chores around the school whistling, laughed often, smiled oftener. Todd and he slept together every night, close, warm. There was no question – yet – of their relationship going beyond snuggling or perhaps necking, but Todd knew it would come up, so he went to Knox late Thursday afternoon, when Charlie was giving his daily report to Mr. Nolan.

Gingerly Todd knocked on Knox's door.

"Come in," came the reply a second later.

The room was empty save for Knox. Hopkins, his roommate, was on the wrestling team and probably practicing. Knox was on his bed, writing something, so Todd sat at his desk.

"What's up, Todd?"

"Knox – I - " Todd fumbled for words. "The past week has been really good. For everybody."

"Yeah," Knox agreed, a bit absently.

"I mean, I'm finally starting to not think about Neil. I still miss him like crazy, but I actually have an appetite. And I can shower alone again."

Knox glanced quizzically at him, and Todd flushed, realizing he'd never told Knox what had happened the previous Friday evening.

"And – and we've all passed our exams. You guys know about Charlie and me, and it's okay. I don't have to go home for the hols – I mean, everything is great."

"So…" Knox nibbled on his pencil.

"But, I have this problem. And I thought you might want to help me." Todd tripped over his words. "I mean, will you help me?"

"Sure, buddy," Knox replied.

"Okay." Todd took a breath. "Charlie is probably the most sexually experienced of all of us, right?"

Knox quirked an eyebrow at him. "If you believe his stories."

"I do. I guess. I mean, if I did that would mean I would need even more help, but - "

"Woah, woah, woah. I think I'm catching on here." Knox aimed the pencil at him. "You're afraid, that if Charlie tries to take the relationship to the next level, that you'll be inadequate."

"Yes." Todd played with his feet.

"So why ask me?"

Todd shrugged shyly. "You're, um, the next most sexually experienced person I know?"

Knox laughed. "I don't know about that." He thought for a minute, and Todd studied him. Did he think Knox was beautiful? No. Knox was handsome, but he didn't feel for Knox the same way that he felt for Charlie…or as he had felt for Neil. A gulf still yawned between his feelings for them.

Finally Knox spoke. "If Charlie really loves you – and I'm strongly inclined to believe that he does – he'll respect the fact that you're a virgin, and that you're having some doubts. If the question comes up, ask him to talk. Now…about current prospects…I wouldn't worry. When you fall in love with a person, you can't think about them sexually. Not at first, anyway. You think, Gee, I'd like to kiss her. Or him." Knox colored. "You know what I mean."

"Yeah," Todd nodded, prompting him to continue.

"Or, Gee, she's so beautiful. But you don't think, Gee, what's she like in bed? I never thought sexually about Chris. I wanted to hold her, kiss her, sure. But never anything beyond that. Not until…well, not until she brought it up." Knox looked at Todd. "That help?"

"Yeah," Todd said, smiling at him as he got up. "Thanks."

***

That night, as they lay together, Todd pushed his hand up under Charlie's shirt and played wonderingly with the smooth skin.

"Todd," Charlie said.

"Yeah."

"Are you going home for break?"

"No."

"Don't'cha want to know why I'm asking?"

"Um, sure."

"I'm inviting you to come home with me."

Todd sat up, suddenly very warm in the stuffy room. "What? No!"

"Shhh," Charlie cautioned, motioning to the wall. Hopkins was a very light sleeper. "Why not, Todd? I mean, my family's not the best company. But I'd like us to have Christmas together. And New Year's. You must be sick of trailing me around, helping me clean up and all." Slowly Charlie urged Todd to lay back down.

"No I'm not."

"But I'll miss you too much…" Charlie whispered in his ear, hot. "Besides, I already got my parents' permission. They called your dad and he said it would be fine. What do you say to that, Anderson?"

Todd didn't know what to say. His heart thudded in joy. So instead, he kissed Charlie.

"Hm," said Charlie after the long, slow kiss. "I'd say that was a yes."

***

It was late Sunday afternoon and most of the boys had left already, though Charlie and Todd still remained. Mr. Dalton was coming for them at six. Their stuff was packed, their attire laid out, and Charlie led Todd down to the locker rooms, blindfolded.

"Charlie…" Todd murmured when he felt the cold tile floor underneath his feet.

"Shh. This is your Christmas present. Your pre-Christmas present. I mean, I've got another one, but this is something I've been meaning to give you anyhow."

"Charlie, I don't like the sound of that." Todd padded obediently after him anyhow, feeling his way in the darkness.

"Just take off your robe, okay?"

Todd obliged, his heart hammering. _Okay, Anderson. Do what Knox told you. Talk this over with him. Whatever he wants to give you, you're not ready._

"Alright…take the blindfold off."

Todd complied, and as he did so Charlie turned on the shower spray and both boys were drenched.

"Chaaaarrrlie." Todd sighed as he was soaked.

"Yeeeeaaahh." Charlie mimicked his tone, then held out a hand. "Blindfold, please."

"W-Why?" There was an almost carnal look in Charlie's eyes that made Todd a bit scared.

"Aw, Anderson, give it." Todd gave it to him. "Now put your arms up, and hook your wrists over the

showerhead."

Shakily Todd obeyed, and Charlie used the blindfold to bind his hands to the showerhead. The spray of water was partially blocked by Todd's body, and he squinted as it fell over the back of his head and into his eyes.

"Charlie," Todd started to say, but was cut off as Charlie kissed him. Charlie's hands explored hungrily over his flesh, playing with his nipples, massaging his hips. His thumbs hooked in the elastic lining of Todd's boxers and gently nudged them down.

"Charlie, no," Todd started to say, but then Charlie leaned forward and ground his hips into Todd's, soaked cotton material meeting bare flesh, and Todd was getting hard. Hard,for Charlie. His breath came in gasps and sobs as he ached for more contact, but still his brain rebelled and he managed to squeeze out, "Please don't…"

Charlie knelt, seemingly not hearing anything Todd said, and kneaded the warm flesh of Todd's thighs. He pressed a reverent kiss to Todd's stomach, just above the part where the golden curling hair started, and then lurched forward in a ritual ancient and solemn and took Todd into his mouth.

Todd cried out, arching deep into his mouth, sparks racing over his skin. He'd rarely masturbated – he'd feared that Neil would hear him – and certainly he'd never felt _this_. The yawning, cadaverous mouth, the working teeth, lips, tongue as they raced over sensitive flesh, taking from him, taking from him, taking from him and then he was coming and all that he was spewed out of his body in a trail of warm golden light into Charlie's mouth. He fell limp, shuddering.

Charlie stood, wiped his mouth, and spat. They watched the silvery white mucuslike fluid travel down the drain, and then Charlie kissed Todd, and said into his mouth, "I love you."

He managed to slip his hands out of the makeshift bonds, and then he gripped Charlie so tightly he was sure his fingers would rip through the other's skin. Charlie stepped back a little, startled, but embraced him back, kissing him, nuzzling his neck. "Todd, what's wrong?"

Todd shook his head, silently, tears mingling with the warm water running down his face, and then he sank to his knees, weakly, knowing Charlie was still hard, still excited, still wanting. He couldn't let Charlie's service go unrequited.

Shudderingly he kissed the front of Charlie's boxers, trying not to dissolve into sobs. Charlie lurched slightly, then strong arms reached down and hoisted him up, gathering him securely into Charlie's chest.

"Don't, Todd. Don't give that part of yourself to me. I don't want it. You can't give it. It doesn't matter."

Not believing what he was saying, Todd protested, "Please, Charlie, let me…"

"No, Todd, I won't. What I give to you, I give freely. I don't expect anything in return." Charlie reached out and shut the shower water off, and pressed Todd close to him. "I love you, I love you, I love you," he chanted quietly. "I love you and I don't care." Nonsense words, meant to soothe him. And they did.

They dressed in silence, headed back upstairs, Charlie's arm hooked over Todd's neck. There was nothing to say; there was too much to say. Todd wanted to laugh, to cry, to kiss Charlie. He wanted Neil here. He wanted to listen to Mr. Keating read poetry, to go and lay in the autumn grass, to row in the sculls and taste the first winter snow. To embrace his mother. To do all of the things he had been so stupid for never taking advantage of doing.

They got into their formal clothes, took their suitcases and went to wait in the antechamber for Mr. Dalton. Todd looked at the great wooden double doors and the gently falling snow outside, and said silently, "I love you." But he might have been saying it to no-one.

Charlie, not hearing, leaned into him in weariness. The holidays had begun.


End file.
